


Neglect

by CosmicJ_Writing



Series: Random Writings/Ideas [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depressed Castiel, Depression, Human Castiel, M/M, Marijuana, Weed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 06:17:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7563532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CosmicJ_Writing/pseuds/CosmicJ_Writing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The ex angel gave up, and it was his fault. Because no one could see him drowning, not even Dean. No one could see Cas drowning, not even Dean. No one cared that he was broken, not even Dean. (No Destiel, just angst with a slighter better ending. Triggering elements, and use of weed.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Neglect

Dean pressed his palm flat on the door before him, listening to the silence from the other side. He dropped his forehead to wood, his cheeks flamed with anger and self-hatred. Cas' words bounced off the walls of his skull. They clawed at his heart, squeezing it hard enough that it made it hard to breathe.

"Nobody cares that I'm broken." Cas had said. Dean remembered with crystal clear memory, the way Cas' cheeks shook with frustration, the way the angel had clenched his jaw, and the way blood had lightly painted his lips due to biting his tongue. He remembered the way his tears slid down his cheeks, dripping onto the bedding beneath him, and he remembered the snot sliding down his upper lip. His hair was messed up, perhaps from the attempt to yank his hair out. Dean remembered to way Cas had drawn his knees up, balled up and coiled. He remembered the seeing red angry lines dug into the flesh of his wrist.

The image of Cas, mirrored the image of a younger version of himself, the one version of himself that he hadn't dared let Sam or any other living thing see.

"It's like I'm drowning, and no one can see." Cas told him.

Of course Dean knew exactly what Cas was feeling. He knew exactly what was going through his mind and Dean had dismissed it so fucking easily. He spoke harshly, not taking into account the damage it had done to the less damaged part Cas had left. How could have Dean do that, if he knew exactly how Cas was feeling? Was it because he was insensitive, or just out of fear?

"You are fine. You will be okay. You're not broken, stop acting like you are. Cas you're strong, and you know it." Dean had told Cas, the taste of judgement sitting on his tongue. "You're just in a bad spot. You'll get over it in a few minutes."

Dean's face contorted, his nose flaring. His throat burned with fury. Why the fuck did he say that? And the way Cas had just slumped after he said that, replayed over and over in his head. The ex angel gave up, and it was his fault. Because no one could see him drowning, not even Dean.

Not even Dean could see Cas clawing up for air. Not even Dean could see the pain that was suffocating him. Not even Dean could see Cas in his own personal room, struggling to keep the walls from closing in on him. He was hanging by the tips of his fingers, screaming for someone to notice, screaming for someone to see, screaming for someone to just pull him up. No one could see Cas drowning, not even Dean. No one cared that he was broken, not even Dean.

After Dean's last words, Cas had slumped, his shoulders falling and his tears halting. His face, despite the drying tears and red cheeks, was emotionless. Dean had watched the ex angel, physically give up the fight. Dean watched him, and he had turned a blind eye. He walked right out the door he came in and went right back to bar. Dean flirted with every girl that graced him with their attention. He took their numbers with a grin on his face.

So Dean kept his palm on the door of Cas' motel door, his head slumped against. He had been standing her for few minutes, maybe a few hours, or maybe a few days. He hadn't heard movement, or crying or sniffling. He hadn't heard any signs of life.

He knocked once, twice, and third time before he let himself in. It was empty. Cas' bed was messily made, the trash from before was picked up and the number of beer bottles that had sat on the counter were gone. Dean cursed and flipped his phone open, mashing the buttons for Cas' phone number.

"Dean!"

"Cas where-"

"How are you my friend?" Cas giggled on the other side, as did others who Dean assumed were girls. "Hey listen, I can't stay and chat. I've two lovely females waiting for me to show them what the pizza man taught me."

"No, Cas-"

"Talk to you later Dean!" 

In an instance, the line went dead. Dean swore again and tossed his phone onto the bed. He sat down, pinching the bridge of his nose. So much for apologizing. He glared at his phone, and rubbed his face. He was more than a little confused. One minute Cas was crying, the next he was getting frisky with women, and probably drunk. He wished Sam was here, to help him. Sam was the sympathetic one, not him.

Dean followed Cas' GPS signal and found him at different motel. It wasn't hard to figure out which room was his. The door was swung wide open and windows were open. Dean shook his head, walking in and finding Cas in a giggling mess of vomit. Dean held his breath, hesitantly walking over and pressing his palm to the ex angel's forehead. Dean called to him but Cas wasn't listening. It smelled like bile and weed in the room. Was he high?

"Damn it Cas, what did you get yourself into?" He asked aloud, carefully guiding himself around the pool of vomit. He reached for his friend, gently pulling him up. Cas grabbed onto Dean's face and breathed. Dean nearly gagged.

"Those females were wild," the ex angel said. "There were so pretty and they had plants. We need some of those plants."

"We really don't," Dean coughed. He led Cas out of his disgusting motel room and into the Impala. As soon as Dean slid in and shut his door, Cas scooted over and peeked up at him, his blue eyes blinking drowsily.

"You're prettier than the females," Cas whispered. He rest his head against Dean's shoulder. Dean made no mover to shrug him off. Instead, he just started his car and drove back to their motel. Cas snored, and sometime during the drive, wrapped an arm around Dean's waist and slid his head to Dean's thigh.

"Right," Dean said, his voice a bit shaky. "I'm going to get you, two double cheeseburgers, a giant bag of Funions, and a large bottle of Grape soda. You are no doubt, going to be starving when we get back."

Dean did as he told the sleeping Cas. He grabbed burgers from a drive through and got soda and chips from a nearby gas station. He woke Cas from his slumber, throwing one of his arm around his shoulder and picking up the man. He swore, not because of Cas' weight, but more so from the lack of weight Cas had.  
He laid Cas on his bed, pushing his shirt up. He wasn't completely underweight. His hips weren't popping out, but Cas needed to get food in his system.

Dean stripped him of his vomit covered clothing, and led the sleepy male to the bathroom. He eased him down into the tub and begin rinsing him down, running his hands through his knotted hair. How had he allowed Cas to get like this. As soon as this hunt was over, he was going to teach Cas the basics of bodily care. He guessed angels never really got sweaty or needed to keep themselves clean.

"Thank you," he heard Cas rasp. The man grabbed his wrist and leaned into his palm. "You didn't have to."

"Actually I did. I needed to do this." Dean ordered the ex angel to close his eyes and squirted soap into his hair before he added, "I wanted to. Reminds me of all the times I took care of Sam."

Cas didn't say anything after, and Dean didn't push him. Dean instead washed and bathed him, ridding him of the rancid smells of bile, sweat, and sex. He grabbed a towel and waited for Cas to step out. He rubbed his head, his body, avoiding the most sensitive area.

"I'm so hungry Dean." Cas' face was twisted with pain. Of course, he was still getting used to the feels that went with being a human. "I'm so hungry."

"It's called the munchies. You get that way after smoking weed. All the food on the table is yours, Buddy," Dean answered. In an instance, the ex angel shot forward, buck naked, and snatched onto the paper bags with the greasy burgers inside. Cas moaned when he bit into his burger. Dean couldn't help the chuckle that escaped him, or the smile that curled in the corner of his lips. He watched as Cas ate, munching on his chips, and guzzling down his soda.  
While Cas ate, Dean prepared clothing for him, pulling out one of his t-shirts and a pair of jeans. He threw boxers on top.

"After this hunt is over, I'll take you to a Dollar General or a Goodwill store and see if we can't find you clothes that actually fit. I'm pretty sure my clothes won't fit you right. You have a bit wider hips than I do, and narrow shoulders. Plus you're a bit shorter than I am. We'll see if we can find you a pair of boots as well."

"Why are you helping me Dean?" Cas pushed himself away from the table. Walking over and grabbing the boxers. Dean avoided watching him.

"Because I didn't do it when I really needed to. I neglected you Cas, and for that I am sorry." Dean scratched the back of his neck. "I'm also sorry, for the way I spoke to you before."

"Dean-"

"No, let me finish. What you were feeling, what you may still be feeling, its not something you can just get over. I know, which makes it all the more worse because I should have known better than to tell you those things." Dean sslumped down in a chair. "Don't give up, or stop caring. When you stop caring about yourself, or stop caring whether people see you, you stop caring whether you're dead or alive. It's a dangerous place. I for one, would much rather you be alive than dead. I'm not sure how I would react to you actually being gone. It seems impossible. Now you don't have your angel mojo, anything could happen."

Cas said nothing, and he was clearly avoiding from looking at Dean.

"I see you Cas. I'm just sorry it took so long for me to find the courage to swim out and try and save you."

"I thought you hated chick flick moments," Cas said. Dean glanced up at him. Suddenly, everything was alright. Things were still shitty, and Dean could never make up for the negligence he showed Cas, but he would be there for him from this day forward. Cas knew that.


End file.
